Did I leave the gas on?

I have a confession to make. Before I left the house this morning, I had to check to see if I'd put my laptop in my bag. Twice.

When removing my keys from the drawer, I also had to spend a few moments saying to myself 'boyfriend's keys are there, boyfriend's keys are there' so I wouldn't get all the way to work to find a million missed calls from my boyfriend saying I'd manage to take his keys as well as mine.

This, I might add, was a good day. When I have to straighten my hair, its a whole new kettle of fish. I not only turn off my straightening, I unplug them and drag the plug over as far away from the extension chord as possible in case it decides to replug itself back in (often inducing static shock when I touch the plug, always the sign of a quality electrical item or perhaps the sign that only an idiot would think about touching the plug but I'd prefer things to be The WebStress proof).

But it doesn't end there. I then turn the switch off for the extension chord. Then, not content with all that, and this is a new addition over the last couple of weeks, I unplug the extension chord. And just in case that wasn't enough, after saying, usually out loud, to myself that I have unplugged my straighteners, I have to get my boyfriend to check that this 5 minutes of my time was not imaginary and that I really am suffering from a mild case of Obsessive Compulsive Disorder.

I've been like this for as long as I can remember. Flatmates, friends and (seriously) next door neighbours have been asked to check to see if I turned the gas off or unplugged those straighteners (I really should just succumb to the world of The Kink and let my hair do its own thing to avoid me from such unnecessary stress). From any time period from 5 minutes to 5 hours later I will be stuck by sickness, worry and self doubt. If I can't actually remember turning off every plug in the house before I leave for work, then they have all spontaneously ignited (our flat, and the majority of places I have rented, is currently riddled with suspect wiring) and the house is currently engulfed in flames while I am sitting on the tube, in a restaurant, on a plane, in the theatre (the latest crisis was watching Edward Scissorhands) and, now, in work.

When leaving for a two week holiday for Australia a few years ago, I had to sit in front of my gas fire in the bedroom and say to myself, over and over 'the gas is off'. I actually even turned the gas back on so I could remember the process of turning it off.

Probably my most obvious obsessiveness is with regards to my car. Asking my passenger to lock the door is not enough. Watching my passenger lock the car door is also not enough. My ritualistic behaviour with the car is so unsettling it even disturbs me. I will circle the car (circulations dependent on how obsessive I am on that particular day) and check each lock. Again and again.

I'd like to think that my obsessiveness stems from being thorough. But I'm not. My obsessiveness comes from being absent minded. But I think, in fact I know, the very time I do not reach the front door and run back up stairs to check, again, that I have locked the flat door, that I will have left it gaping wide open and thieves will be stripping the house as soon as I turn the corner.

It has happened. There has been the odd, very rare, occasion that I have, in fact, left the gas on. In this there lies the problem. I will never be able to break the cycle because I am fundamentally flawed in being able to carry out simple activities without having my own personal vetted safety checks on them after they have concluded, to once again instill safety in my life.

But my absentmindedness actually slips through to my obsessive checking. And here's where the audible monologue of a girl posessed with the fear of her absentmindedness is necessary. Here is where courage in my convictions really would be useful (especially when I am on an aeroplane heading out across the ocean). Because even when I have checked things, if I don't clearly remember checking them, clearly remember saying to myself that they are 'dealt with' then my old friend, self doubt, hurries over to accompany absentmindedness and obsessiveness that are already kicking around causing havoc.

I think maybe it is because I wander around largely in a bubble. My internal chatterings keep me largely away from the world and physical space I occupy. I am thinking about last Tuesday or next week or what to have for tea.

I have no conclusion or solution for this. It is helpful having a boyfriend who is not only extremely thorough but also humours my obsessiveness by witnessing my unnerving rituals and stares at plugs alongside me, just to make sure. I don't believe there are any solutions to this without a complete character overhaul, due to the contributing factors, so I guess I'm stuck with it.

And throughout this whole post I've been thinking...because I know I didn't check the cooker before I came out.