Busy doing nothing

Yesterday afternoon was painful. For four hours I tidied files, helped my junior with things they really didn't need or want my help for and generally tried to make myself busy and/or useful. I even offered, several times, to make cups of tea. I drank tea that I didn't even want. When the caffeine rush started to become a little unsettling, I switched to herbal tea. Herbal tea at work. Things were wrong.

This would have been prime time to educate myself in the art of time wasting. But it was not to be, as I could see one of the director's screens, meaning they could also see mine. Searching for 'new + career' might have proved to be controversial.

I strongly believe trying to look busy is more draining than actually being busy. The Guilt is accentuated by knowing that other people know you don't really have anything to do. I was sat here, repeatedly pressing the 'get mail' button, actually hoping for work, needing it. I need work to feel needed.

In a job, you like to make yourself indispensable. I've always appeared flat out with my workload because, generally, I have always been flat out. I've instigated extra work, generated ideas, stimulated discussions, proposed reports. And all of it, fundamentally, not for the good of the company, but to make me feel that I was an essential and productive member of the team. That I was doing a 'good job', that I was, in my mind, because of that, a good and worthwhile person.

I went home yesterday feeling rather miserable about my wasted day.

Today, I am going to set a perhaps slightly ambitious but at least time consuming goal if I don't receive any work.

I am going to come up with a 'Life Plan'. *ahem*.